Return The Call

On the phone with a semi-regular customer...

"...Well, if you could let me know when you get those birds in, I'd appreciate it"
- Sure, that shouldn't be a problem. If I just...

And before I could ask for their telephone number:

"Okay, thanks, bye."

About a week later.

"Hi, I asked to be told when some birds arrived in your store but I nobody called me."
- Unfortunately, we didn't have your number. The birds themselves haven't actually arrived yet, but we can still let you know.
"Ah okay, no problem. Goodb..."
- Can I take your telephone number please?
"What for?"
- So we can call you.
"Hmm. I'm not sure."
- Okay...?
"Well, I'm ex-directory."
- Okay, well we just need it so that we can let you know when they are in.
"I don't really like to give it out."
- Well, okay.
"I'd rather not. If you just call me when they are in, that'll be fine."
- Then I need your telephone number.
"You aren't going to give it to anyone else, are you?"
- Um, no. I will be the only person who uses it. And I will only use it to let you know when the birds arrive.
"Hmm.. well, I suppose."
- Okay, so what's your number?
"Actually, on second thoughts, I think I'd rather not. Just let me know when they come in. Thanks. Bye"
- ...

Rarity

A new customer.

 "I've got an aviary, and just want a small selection of birds in there."
 - Okay, what would you like?
 "How much are the zebra finches?"
 - £5 each.
 "Okay, I'll have a couple of them. How much are these other birds here?"
 - £15 each
 "Hmm. Okay, a pair of them as well please."
 - No problem.
 "To be honest, I'd really like to have something special in there too.
 - Okay...
 "Something unusual. Something rare."
 - Right, okay.
 "How much is this pair?"
 - £120
 "A little out of my price range! Okay, how about these two?"
 - They are £50 for the pair.
 "Goodness. Still too expensive."
 - Okay
 "Haven't you got something cheap, say £10 each, but incredibly rare?"
 - ...

Generally, scarcity dictates price. If there's not a lot of them, it's gonna' be expensive. Cheap and rare just doesn't exist.

Cheeky

Today, a chicken pecked my left butt cheek whilst I was standing in front of its cage.

That is all.

Answer Machine

As a small business, sometimes the phone may ring and we are unable to answer it because all the members of staff are serving customers. We therefore have an answer-phone message that informs the caller of our opening times (in case they are ringing when we are closed), and then lets them leave us a message if they want.

However, some people don't appear to understand how such things work and just chat away to themselves, not realising that it is being recorded.

 - *beeeeep*

 "...open to five? What are they on about? It's not even four yet..."

He calls back immediately

 - *beeeeep*

 "What on earth?! It says they close at five. Well, it's not five. So they should be open..."

And he calls again

 - *beeeeep*

 "What day is it? It's Saturday isn't it? This is ridiculous."

And again...

 - *beeeeep*

 "Well if they are open, why aren't they answering the bloody phone?!"

I don't know whether this particular caller eventually got through to somebody else, or whether they came into the shop and was served. It's regrettable when we are unable to answer a call, but sometimes we have no choice but to let it ring as we may be otherwise occupied within the shop.

Sometimes we are left a message which seems intentional, but makes no sense at all. My personal favourite featured a guy singing what sounded like Bhangra-music down the phone for about five minutes. The song reached the end, and he hung up. No explanation at all.

Raised a smile though.

Songs of Praise

A gentleman visited the shop today to buy some chicken feed, and also looking for some advice. I did my best to help him out, and then he asked me a couple more questions.

 "How much are those panels?"
 - They work out at twenty pounds each.
 "Ah, okay. I think I'll probably make them myself."
 - Fair enough.
 "How about those little runs."
 - They start at forty-seven pounds each.
 "Hmm. Nah. Again. I'll probably just make it myself."
 - Well, yeah, if you're good at that kind of thing and can get hold of the materials, then that's fair enough.
 "Yes, I'm pretty good at woodwork - been doing it for years!"
 - Ah okay.
 "I've made a lot of different houses for my chickens, rabbits, etc."
 - I see.
 "Tell you what, I'll give you one of my cards..."

I figured that he must sell some of the items he makes. We've had other customers in the past try and sell hutches and nest boxes to us that they have made themselves. Sadly, they tend to be pretty awful most of the time, but we're always happy to take a look.

He reached into his wallet for a card.

 "I'm telling you, I'm very good. Better than anything you can find on the ol' whats-a-name."

Ah, yes, on the "ol' whats-a-name", of course. How specific.

 "Honestly. Not just blowing my own trumpet."
 - Okay
 "My wife does it too."
 - I see
 "But I've been doing it longer. Honestly though, anything you like."
 - Right okay.
 "I'm better than Elvis, better than Sinatra, better than The Platters, better than any of the them..."

Wait... what?

 "..yep. I know about eighteen thousands songs. Everything from the 1920's to the modern stuff. All in there."

He hands me his card: Karaoke & Disco Entertainment.

Tattoo

A guy walks around the shop, takes a look at a few birds, picks up some bags of seed, comes over to the counter and pays for them. He's about to go when he sees a picture on the wall which he takes as look at, then turns back around to me.

 "Oh, I thought it was a picture of a goldfinch, but it's not. Some kind of foreign finch."
 - Yep, I'm afraid so.
 "Can't seem to find any good goldfinch photographs anywhere."
 - No?

And I think to myself: I've seen thousands of good photographs of goldfinches.

 "Nope. They all seem to be awful drawings, or photos from the wrong angles, or of a bird that doesn't even look particularly healthy."

 He does have a slight point here. Some books have photographs in that make you think, 'Why on earth have you chosen to include that as a example of the species? It looks like it's about to die!'.

 - Yeah, I know what you mean
 "I just want a decent photo of a goldfinch's face. There must be a book with lots of them in."
 - Well, we've got this book...

I hand him one of our own books, which is completely about goldfinches. It's in French, sadly, so my understanding of the contents is somewhat limited, but there are a lot of good photographs.

 "Wow. I wish I'd had this book before."
 - Before?
 "Yeah, look..."

The customer then lifted his shift over his head, revealing his torso to me.

 "See? I've got a tattoo of a goldfinch done already, on my hip."
 - Um. Yeah.
 "And a chaffinch on the other side."
 - ...yep.
 "And I have a bullfinch done around my nipple."
 - So you have...
 "Well, I better go. I wish I'd seen photographs like that before though. Goodbye."

Transportation II : This Time It's Birdsonal

A customer from a previous post came in with a request that made me suspect her bird-keeping skills (and, indeed, rights).

 "Hi! I have an emergency request"

 - Okay

 "We are driving to Belfast this evening and need something to transport our Amazon parrot in."

 - Oh, well, I'm not sure if we ha...

 "And it needs to be very small. Our car is absolutely full of luggage already. We need something very compact. Like a small nest-box or something."

An Amazon parrot is about the size of the popular African Grey, a good twelves inches long or more. A small nest box would not be remotely suitable even for ten seconds.

 - Hmm. I don't think we really have anything suitable for that.

 "It needs to be very small."

She looks at a parakeet nest box. The parrot would barely fit in there, never mind have space to move.

 - That's not really big enough for an Amazon

 "Well, something about that size. How about a little budgie cage?"

An Amazon would chew its way through the bars within seconds. And, again, it simply would not be big enough.

 - We don't have anything at all suitable.

 "Well. What on earth do people use to transport a parrot?"

 - They often use a dog-crate or large pet-carrier, similar to something you would use to take a cat to the vets. But bigger.

 "Oh. Well. This visit has been pointless."

And off they went.

And I then watched as, before they got in the car, they talked to each other outside - presumably trying to work out some way to vacuum-pack their poor parrot.

Transportation

We stock three main sizes of collapsible rabbit runs. The biggest, at six foot long, naturally doesn't fit in many cars, so we are willing to deliver within a certain distance. One particular customer made it fairly clear that's what she wanted.

 "How big is the run?"
 - Six foot, by three foot.
 "Oh, I've brought my Porsche with me."
 - Okay
 "I won't be able to put in my Porsche."
 - Right, okay
 "My Porsche isn't big enough"
 - No, okay. Well, we can deliver it.
 "Yes please, that would be for the best. I have a Porsche, and it won't fit in it".

Okay, I get it, you have Porsche. Lovely.

Informative

I was talking to a customer about canaries when he decided he'd share some information with me:

 "I read about something recently."
 - Oh yes?
 "Yeah. It was study or something like that."
 - ...
 "I think it was a university that did it, I don't remember."
 - ...
 "It might have been in America, maybe."
 - ...
 "But they did a study."
 - ...
 "I can't recall exactly what they did."
 - ...
 "But they did this study, it was really interesting."
 - ...
 "Not sure what the findings were, but it was really good."
 - ...
 "Anyway, I best be off. Bye!"
 - ...Bye.

I'll make sure I never forget that little token of knowledge.

Young Ones

Over the past few years there's been a couple of times when we've taken in an animal, only to discover that it is pregnant. In particular, guinea pigs can become pregnant at a very young age, but sometimes rabbits too arrive with us only to give birth a couple of weeks later.

Recently, we had a rabbit give birth to six babies. A customer with his daughter, seeing the baby rabbits a week after they were born, asked about them.

 "Did you breed them yourself?"

 - No, the female was already pregnant when she came in to us. So it was a bit of a surprise.

 "How old are they?"

 - Only a week old today.

 "How old do they have to be before they can leave their mother?"

 - Well, at the very least about eight weeks.

 "Can I buy one now?"

 - We aren't taking deposits on them at the moment, because anything could happen in the meantime. If you still want one in a few weeks, then come in again and we'll see how things are.

 "No. I want to buy one now."

 - I'm sorry, we aren't taking deposits on them.

 "I don't want to leave a deposit. I want to take one of them today."

 - Today?"

 "Yes."

 - They aren't ready yet.

 "Surely you can get let one go today? My daughter wants one of the white ones."

 - They aren't old enough to leave their mother yet.

 "It'll be alright."

 - It doesn't even have its eyes open yet, and still needs its mother for food.

 "We'll give it food, and wait for its eyes to open, it won't take long."

 - I'm sorry, but they cannot leave their mother for at least another seven weeks.

 "Surely you can get let one go."

 - If we sell it to you now, it will die. So we will not sell it to you.

 "I'd look after it. If it dies, we won't come back for a refund."

 - No. They are not for sale.

This is not the first time that I've had this conversation with someone. I'm sure it won't be the last.

Zeeeeeeeeeebra

As I think I have mentioned before, zebra finches are pretty much the cheapest cage bird that can be bought in the UK. As a result, we sell an awful lot of them. What amuses me is that about 90% of the people that ask for them say the word 'zebra' the American way, i.e. zeeeeeebra (/ˈziːbɹə/). However, I would happily put money on those people saying it the English way (/ˈzɛbɹə/) when referring to the striped, horse-like creatures. I don't know why they feel it necessary to change the pronunciation when talking about the bird. Strange.

RIP

 "I'd like to buy one of your zebra finches please."

 - Okay, no problem. Any particular colour?

 "I'd like a white hen."

The customer leaves with the white, female zebra finch that he chose.

Two days later, the customer returns carrying a small cardboard box with him; an obvious sign that there is a problem.

 "I bought a zebra finch from you a couple of days ago."

 - Yes, I remember. Is there a problem?

 "Yes. It was dead this morning. Look!"

He hands over the box. I look inside and, sure enough, there is a dead zebra finch inside.

 "You see? Can I have a refund please?"

 - I can't I'm afraid.

 "Why not?"

 - This is a grey male. You bought a white female.

 "..."

 - ...

 "Oh yeah."

 

Returns

 "I need a hen canary. I'd like that one please."
 - We don't have any hens at the moment. That one is a cock bird.
 "It looks like a hen to me."
 - It came in because it was a cock bird: the owner had too many spare males.
 "Hmm, I'm not so sure. I reckon its a hen."
 - We've also seen it singing
 "I think I'll take it anyway."
 - Okay, that's fine, but I am selling it to you as a male.
 "Fine, fine. I'm pretty sure it's a hen though."
 - Well, that's up to you. But we are selling it as male, you understand?
 "Yes."
 - And you are happy to buy this male canary, because you think it is a hen?
 "Yes."
 - Okay

Two days later...

 "Hi, I bought this canary from you a couple of days ago."
 - Yes...
 "Well, you told me it was a hen, but it has just started singing. Clearly it's a cock bird."

The Direct Approach

A phone call:

 "Hi there. I spoke to someone last week about doing work experience at your store?"
 - Oh right. Sorry, I don't think it was me you spoke to, but can I help at all.
 "Well, I was doing an animal course at college and asked if your store could offer me a work experience placement.The person I spoke to said that it is usually arranged via the college, so I said I would find out."
 - Ah okay.
 "However, I decided I'm not going to do that course anymore."
 - Oh, I see
 "I'm going to do agriculture instead."

I thought to myself, 'Well, it's nice of her to at least ring up to let us know she's not going to be starting work experience with us anymore'.

 - Oh okay. Well, fair enough.
 "Yeah, so I won't need a work experience placement anymore."
 - No, I guess not.

And then came the punchline...

 "So can you just give me a job instead and pay me whatever money?"

Well, that's one way to apply for work I suppose.

Going Viral

So, over the past couple of years there's been a lot of people getting phone calls from somebody claiming to be a Microsoft engineer, and that they've detected a virus on their computer so they need to allow them to fix it. Clearly it is a scam, with the overall objective being to get money out of you somehow (usually either accessing your computer remotely whilst you provide card/banking details, or by encouraging you to purchase software from the caller). The rumour/urban-legend website Snopes.com has a write-up on this particular scam for anyone interested in reading more about it.

For quite a while I have only heard other people's stories about receiving these calls, but haven't received one myself. However, this week I got one of these calls whilst at work in the pet shop (hence why it is getting posted here). The caller had an Indian accent, and it sounded like he was phoning over the Internet because the line was particularly bad. Sadly, I did not have the organisational skills and planning to get ready for this phone call, therefore had no software running to record the call. There are plenty of videos on YouTube where people have recorded the call: sometimes just for the purposes of warning people about the scam, and sometimes because the receiver wants to mess around a little themselves :) Unfortunately, all I can offer is a from-memory transcript:

 "Hello. I am calling from Microsoft's computer maintenance department. We have detected possible viruses on your computer. We will put you through to a trained Microsoft engineer who can help you with this problem."
 - Okay
 "Do you have a computer with Microsoft Windows XP, Vista, or 7 installed?"
 - Yes, yes I do.
 "Are you in front of that computer right now?"
 - Yes, yes I am.
 "Okay. Do one thing for me. Close down any programmes you are running."

Those few words, 'Do one thing for me', became extremely annoying as the conversation continued. At one point I just wanted to shout, 'YOU SAID DO ONE THING! I'VE DONE LOADS OF THINGS!'

 - Okay
 "Have you done that?"
 - Yes.
 "Okay. Do one thing for me." (grrrr) "In the bottom left corner of the screen, can you see a button with the four-flag Windows logo and the word 'Start'?"
 - No
 "Please look in the bottom left corner of the screen."
 - Okay
 "Can you see the four-flag Windows logo?"
 - No
 "Please tell me where you are looking"
 - In the bottom left of the screen
 "Have you closed all programmes down?"
 - Yes
 "Tell me, what do you see on your screen?"
 - I see, C:\> and a blinking cursor.

I was tempted to suggest that I was using a Mac, but knew that the phone call would end very quickly so, yes, I instead said I was looking at a DOS screen.

There was a pause.

 "Tell me, are you using a Windows PC?"
 - Yes
 "Do one thing. Restart your computer and tell me when you see the desktop."

I made the caller wait for a while whilst I pretended to restart the computer.

 - Okay, it has loaded.
 "Do one thing for me. Can you see the four-flag Windows logo in the bottom left corner of the screen?"
 - Yes! Yes, I can.
 "Do one thing for me. Make one single left click on it. Tell me, what do you see?"
 - A menu!
 "Tell me, do you see the word 'Computer' or the words 'My Computer' on the menu?
 - Yes, I do.
 "Which? 'Computer' or 'My Computer'?"
 - My Computer
 "Okay, do one thing for me. Make one single right click on 'My Computer'."
 - Okay
 "Tell me. What do you see?"
 - A menu has popped up.
 "Okay. Do one thing for me. Make on single left click on 'Manage' on the menu."

He then guided me into Event Viewer and asked me to scroll all the way down through the logs looking for any red circles or yellow triangles. These are fairly normal on a Windows PC, and can refer to anything from missing drivers, old registry entries, programmes closing down unexpectedly, etc. Even a brand new PC is likely to have some and it isn't necessarily anything to worry about.

 "Do you see any red circles or yellow triangles?"

Clearly, I could (as would 99.9% of anybody else taking a look on their own computer), but I decided to lie.

 - No
 "Please scroll all the way down to the bottom, slowly. Tell me, do you see red circles or yellow triangles?"
 - No. All I see are white speech bubbles with a blue letter I in them.
 "Have you scrolled to the bottom slowly?"
 - Yes.

 I was then guided into another section of the event logs, and again asked to scroll through them all. I continued to say that I saw no error or warning symbols, but the caller was equally persistent.

 "Please scroll again to the bottom of the screen. Tell me, do you see any red circles of yellow triangles?"

I was then cut off. I thought that was the end of it.

Then he called back, asking the same question again. I decided to give in.

 - Yes! Yes I do!
 "Tell me, how many do you see roughly?"
 - Oh, maybe a dozen.
 "How many?"
 - A dozen.
 "How many?"
 - A dozen.
 "How many do you see?"
 - I see a dozen
 "How many red circles or triangles?"
 - ... I see twelve.
 "Oh, that is a lot. Do you have any idea what these might mean?"

I had a feeling I was about to be told.

 - I guess they are just some kind of error on my computer
 "These are all errors on your computer. Viruses, malware, and attacks when you are using the internet. Some will show files being stolen from your computer, or downloads that you don't know about."
 - I see.
 "Tell me. Do you notice your computer getting slower?"
 - Yes. I do. It is very slow.
 "That is because of these errors. Okay, I can fix this for you. I am a trained Microsoft knowledge engineer. This is perfectly normal and legal."

I raised a smile at this point. Thank goodness he said it was legal, I was worried for a moment.

 "Please close down all programmes."
 - Okay
 "Now, look on your keyboard. Do you see a button on the bottom left that says 'Ctrl'."
 - Yes
 "Next to that, is there a button with the four-flag Windows logo on it?"
 - Yes, yes there is.
 "Okay. Do one thing for me. With one hand, press the key with the four-flag Windows logo on it, and do not let go."
 - Okay
 "With your other hand, press the R key. That is R for Romeo. Have you done that?"
 - No. I can't.
 "Why not?"
 - I'll drop the phone if I use both hands.

 A pause...

 "Do one thing. With one finger, press and hold the four-flag Windows key. With another finger, press the R key."

 The Run box popped up, as expected. I was then instructed to type a web address into the run box and press 'Ok'. It took me to http://www.ammyy.com, a website for remote-access software. A relatively safe piece of software, as long as you are only letting trusted individuals access your computer for good reason (i.e. not a random telephone caller).

The caller asked me to download the free software, and let him know what I could see. The website clearly stated that administration rights were not required for installation.

 - It says I need administration rights for installation.
 "Pardon? Tell me, what do you see?"
 - It says I cannot install this software. I do not have administration rights.

A few seconds passed, then the conversation continued except with a new voice. I'm guessing I was passed over to somebody else.

 "What do you see?"
 - A box says I need administration rights to install this software.
 "Are you logged in as the administrator?"
 - I'm logged in as Christopher
 "Are you using an administrator account?"
 - I'm using my account. It said 'Christopher'. That's me. I clicked it.
 "Is this your computer?"
 - Yes. It's mine.
 "Is the account you are using, an administrator account."
 - It's my account.

This repetitive questioning went on for a bit until I was handed over to yet another person.

 "Tell me. What do you see?"

I gave in...

 - I see the Ammyy icon on my desktop. The software has installed.
 "Okay. Please double click the icon and tell me what you see."

I hadn't actually even downloaded the software, never mind installed it. I quickly went to the website and, fortunately, they had a page with programme screenshots.

 - It says Ammyy Admin. And has a lot of numbers.
 "Okay, do you see the words 'Your ID'?"
 - Yes
 "Please tell me the number beneath that."

The screenshots only show a sample ID number of '123'. Obviously this wasn't going to be a valid ID so I quickly made one up.

 - 4, 2, 5, 7, 6, 3
 "Is that 425763?"
 - Yes
 "The ID number should be a seven-digit number. You have given me a six-digit number."

Dammit!

 - Oh, sorry. There's a zero at the end. It's 4, 2, 5, 7, 6, 3, 0."
 "Okay, just one moment. I will pass your ID number to our Microsoft advisor."
 - Okay, I'll wait.
 "I'm sorry. That is not a valid ID number. Please tell me again what the number is."
 - 4, 2, 5, 7, 6, 3, 0
 "That is not valid. Is your number 4, 3, 5, 7, 6, 3, 0?"
 - Uh... yeah! It's a three, not a two, sorry.
 "Just one moment whilst I pass your ID number to our Microsoft advisor."

I waited a moment. Again, a new person came onto the phone.

"The ID number you gave us is false."
- Oh, well, I don't know. I'm just reading the one that...
"Are you joking with me?"
- Pardon?
"Are you making a joke with me?"

I pretended to be confused and hurt by this accusation.

- No! I'm just reading the number you've told me to read.
"You are making a joke! Why are you wasting my time?"

Oh, the irony.

- I'm not. I'm just doing what you've told me.
"If you don't want your computer fixed, I'll just hang up."
- No, please, I want it fixed.
"You are wasting our time. We are just trying to help you fix your Microsoft Windows PC."
- Yes. Please fix it for me.
"You are giving us pretend ID to joke with us."
- No. I am reading what it says. I don't understand. I just want you to help me. Please help me.
"I am hanging up now."
- Please don't.
"I shall now hang up."
- ...
"I am going now, goodbye. We tried to help you."
- Please help
"Goodbye"

At thus the call ended.

I guess I find it amusing that a person calling from a 'company' that is trying to scam people out of money, ends up accusing me of wasting their time.

Go The Distance

Of all the birds we sell, the cheapest has always been the zebra finch. These birds, originally from Australia, breed so easily and so reliably that people often have to give them away because they get overrun with them. For several years they were just £4 each. Last year, we put them up to the dizzying heights of £5 each. This was simply because the cost of the seed (and, therefore, the cost of keeping the birds) had gone up so much. They are still by far the cheapest bird to buy and keep.

"How much are your zebra finches?"
- Five pounds each.
"Oh. That's a little more than I was hoping to pay."
- Oh I see. Well, you might struggle to find them cheaper in any other shops. Five pounds is fairly standard and, to be honest, we've seen then at eight or even ten pounds each in some places.
"I've been offered them for three pounds each."
- From a private seller?
"Yes."
- Oh well, that's fair enough. Buying privately is often cheaper.
"Yeah, I'm probably going to buy three pairs. So I'll save myself over ten pounds."
- Yes, that's true. There are a lot of people that do keep zebra finches around here so buying privately and locally isn't too much of a challenge.
"No, couldn't find anyone that has got any around here."
- Really? A lot of people do keep and breed them. They're very common.
"Nah, nobody has got away. But I found someone in Cornwall that has some. So that's where I'm getting those pairs."
- In Cornwall?
"Yeah."
- Are you going down there on holiday?
"No, just going to drive there to get these birds and then ciome straight back."
- Just for the birds?
"Yes"

Cornwall is about 300 miles away from us. Anywhere between perhaps £50 and £70 in fuel... for each direction.

- That's a long way to go just for those birds.
"Yeah, but I'm going to save myself at least ten pounds, the breeder is selling them cheaper than you, remember?"
- Uh, yeah, but the journey is going to cost you quite a lot.
"Yes. But the birds are cheaper."
- Right. Okay.

Sometimes, it isn't worth trying to explain.

Hydration

Very occasionally, a water bottle on a cage may become empty before we've had a chance to top it up. This is usually because it has cracked or leaked whilst we've been out of the room, and so has emptied by the time we've returned. It's a rare occurrence and we provide multiple bottles to ensure that there is still a water source for the birds inside the cage.

Sometimes customers spot the empty bottle. And sometimes, they get things wrong.

"Excuse me."

- Yes?

"Some of your birds have no water at all."

- Oh, has a bottle emptied?

"They have no water!"

- Okay, I will fill it up now. It is probably broken and needs replacing. There will be another bottle there for them.

"No! They don't have any water at all. I think it's disgusting."

- Okay, well, there's also likely to be a water dish inside the cage as well as the bottles. We'd never leave them without water.

"Well, this time you have. They have no water at all."

I take a deep breath at this point. Then...

- Would you mind showing me the cage?

Off the customer marches into the bird-room, walks half way along the cage, turns to me, and points.

"That one!"

I look at it, do my very best not to roll my eyes, and then also point.

- That one there?

"Yes! That one. You see?!"

The customer is looking very smug at this point. Clearly, she's happy to be able to prove that I am wrong, and that she has caught me out for neglecting our birds.

"I told you! They have nothing at all. There are no bottles on the cage, no dish in the cage, no water in the cage."

- And no birds in the cage.

"What?"

- No birds. No birds in the cage. It's an empty cage. There are no water bottles because there's nothing to give water to.

She looks inside, searching the corners in desperation, probably in the hope that maybe I am wrong and she hasn't just made a stupid mistake.

"Oh."

Backseat Nomming

One of our regular customers (featured in a previous post) comes in almost every weekend, usually on a Saturday, and has done for probably the past five years or more. He tends to look around at the birds we have, ask a few questions, and occasionally buy some seed or perhaps a budgie. Then off he goes.

Until a few months ago I assumed that he just went home, but then I started to notice that his car would remain outside the shop for quite some time. Taking a little peek out of the window, I couldn't see him sitting in the driver's seat so wondered where he'd gone. Unfortunately, any further detective work was halted by other customers.

A week later he was back, and the same thing happened: he left the building, but the car remained. By chance, another customer required some help with carrying sacks to his car, so I was able to go outside into the car park. The chap was walking around his car with a carrier-bag, and looking in his car-boot. As I returned, he was opening all the doors. 

Over the course of the next two or three weeks, I managed to discover his ritual:

He would visit us, make any require purchase, then go back outside. He'd then open up all the doors of the car, take a carrier bag out of his boot, close all the doors again, and then get back into the car... but in the back seat. He'd then sit there alone in the car, in the back, reach into the carrier bag for a sandwich, and then  sit there eating it... for about three quarters of an hour.

And that's what he does pretty much every week. It shouldn't bother me at all really. I mean, it's not causing any problem or harm to anybody else. But there's something a little odd about the fact that he gets in the back to eat it.

There has been one week, and one week only, when this little ritual altered. He left the shop, got in his car, and left. My colleague and I were astonished and could only assume that he'd forgotten his sandwich. About ten minutes later I had to take a short drive up the road and, as I passed a layby just around the corner from the shop, I saw the customer's car parked there. Sure enough, he was sitting in the back eating his sandwich.

Maybe he just wanted a change of scenery?

Decision Making

There are many times when parents come into the shop to take a look at - for instance - the rabbits, because they are interested in buying one 'for' their child. More often than not, the father will stand to one side whilst the mother takes a look at them all, handles a few, and exclaims how much she likes particular ones. They then usually say something along the lines of:

"Okay, thanks for your help. It is actually a present for our daughter, so I think it would better if we brought her along to choose for herself. We'll come back tomorrow."

And off they go.

They return the following day, child in tow, and go through the process again of looking at all the rabbits and commenting on how cute each one is. Eventually, the time will come to make a decision.

"So, would you like to take one home?"
"Really, mum?!"
"Yes! It's your birthday present."
"Wow! Which one?"
"You choose. It will be your rabbit."
"Oh! I really like the black one. I want that one."

And then the mother will say (and this is rather predictable now, after working in the trade a few years):

"Are you sure you don't like that little brown one?"

And so begins a to-and-fro where, although the child has been told she can choose her own rabbit, the mother actually prefers a different one and does her very best to convince her daughter to change her mind.

"Look at how cute it is... look at that beautiful colour... look at those big eyes... that other one is a bit plain... this one seems so friendly... this one is gorgeous... how about this one?... how about THIS one?... HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?"

The lesson here is: choose the rabbit yourself and don't involve your child if, actually, there's a chance you won't like the decision.

I Think We Know

About four years ago we moved business to our present location. We only moved about half a mile, but it was both a necessary and positive move. The building we now occupy had been empty for approximately five years and, prior to its desertion, used to be a farm shop. Many of our customers have lived in the area for quite some time and occasionally comment that they, "remember when you could come here for sacks of potatoes!". A select few have trouble pinpointing when this was though:

"This used to be a farm shop, didn't it?"

- Yes, that's right. It closed a while back, there is another one around the corner now though.

"Can't have been gone for very long."

- Well, we've been four years.

"I don't think so."

- Um, yes. Our lease was renewed recently so we've been here four years now.

"No, can't be."

- Well, er, it is.

"I only came here last year and got myself some apples."

- It was probably the other shop, just up the road. That's been there a while now.

"No, it was definitely here. Did you used to sell apples as well?"

- No, just pet food. There hasn't been a farm shop here for a while.

"Four years you say?"

- Yeah, we've been here four years.

"I guess it could have been four years since I was last here. Doesn't seem that long."

- Well, actually, this building hasn't been a farm shop for more like eight years.

"Yes it has. Four years ago, maybe, but I've definitely been here in the last eight years."

- Well, I only moved here permanently about eight years ago. And it was an empty building when I moved here. I believe it closed down not long before I got here.

"I think you've got your dates mixed up. In fact, now I think about it, I'm certain I was here last year. You must be mistaken."

Yes. That's right. I'm mistaken. I guess I better ask the landlord to return the previous three year's rent we've been paying, considering we apparently weren't even using the building...

Higher Than High

During a phone call when there is some discrepancy:

"Hmm... okay, could I possibly speak to the person in charge?"
- Yep, that's me.
"No, I mean, could I speak to the manager."
- Yes, I am the manager.
"No, the person in charge... the guy that runs the place."
- You are speaking to him.
"No I'm not, I'm speaking to you."
- I am him. I am the manager, the owner, the person in charge.

There is an audible sigh. And then...

"Okay. Look... I want to speak to the boss."
- I. Am. The. Boss.
"This is ridiculous."
- I am the owner and manager. I am as high as you can go.
"Oh for goodness' sake. I'll just come down and visit. Let him know I'm coming. Goodbye."
- Goodbye.

Yes. I will let myself know...

Feline Silly

A lady comes in the shop.

"Good morning, do you sell cats or kittens?"
- No, I'm afraid not.
"Oh right. Do you know where I can get one from?"
- Well, not many pet shops actually sell cats anymore. Your best bet is to try a local cat rescue home, or look at the classifieds in the local paper.
"Hmm. I'm looking for something quite specific, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to find it."
- Oh? What are you after?
"A three-legged male."
- Oh...

Now, sure, a pretty unusual request perhaps, but we've had people in the past looking to buy an animal because one they have been looking after has died. They want to replace it before the owners get home. In this instance, it seemed possible that a three-legged cat had died, and a cunning replacement was required. A tall order, sure, but it appeared to be the best explanation.

- ...I'm not sure what to advise really. Have you lost one?
"Oh, no. I've already got a female with three legs."
- Um, okay.
"I want to get another one and see if I can breed three-legged kittens from them."

Bag Hands

Some of the feed we stock is sold loose by the kilogram. We have several customers that will ask for, "£3 of canary seed," or, "2kg of rabbit food", etc. We pour it into the scales, then out into a carrier bag which we then tie up and hand to the customer.

Today, a customer asked for some budgie seed. I weighed it out, checked it was the right amount for him, then grabbed a carrier bag to pour the feed into. The customer looked up:

"Don't worry about a bag..."

Some of our customers bring in their own bags.

"...save yourself a couple of pennies."

I paused, waiting for him to hand one over.

He didn't. He didn't have one.

It took him a few seconds to realise that, in this instance, he was going to have to let me use a carrier bag unless he wanted me to try and empty the food into his pockets.

Wrong Shop

A telephone call:

- Good afternoon...
"Hi there, I wonder if you can help me."
- I'll do my best.
"I bought an angel fish from you at the weekend, and it didn't look very well the first day, and this morning it has died."

We get this a lot. There is another pet shop a mile or two up the road that specialises in fish. People often look up their number in the yellow pages, and mistakenly think it is us.

- Sorry, you've called the wrong shop.
"Is that the pet shop in the village?"
- Yes, but we don't do fish.
"Yes you do."
- No, no we don't. You've got the wrong shop.
"I can assure you that I haven't. You do fish and reptiles."
- No, and no. We used to do reptiles. We don't now. And we've never done fish.
"Well, I was in there yesterday and you had an abundance of both!"
- You have called the wrong shop. There is another shop in the village that sells fish and reptiles
"I'm not an idiot you know. I bought a fish from you yesterday. Now it is dead."
- We don't do fish. You have the wrong shop. You need to call...
"Right. That's it. I'm coming over right now and you WILL be replacing my fish."
*hangs up*

It is amusing when I think that the customer will now go to the correct shop, and complain about the telephone conversation they just had. I imagine the fish shop's reply will be, "You called the wrong shop".

Love, Love Me Do

On my days off, one particular colleague usually informs me of any interesting events that I've missed out on.

Today, he text me the following:

"Normal day at work... Had a customer say 'Love you lots' as he picks up his bale of woodchip and leaves..."

I've never had a customer say that to me in person before. But I've had a few telephone calls where the other person has hung up only after they've said, "Okay thanks. Goodbye. Love you."

I assume this is just because they are so used to saying it to their loved one on the phone. Or it could just be that I'm terribly irresistible...

The Key to Good Advice

From time to time we have some large parrots for sale. Most of the time these are hand-reared and hand-tame so they can often be handled, or stroked, or offered food from the hand etc. Other times, they are breeding pairs, or single birds looking for a mate.

At one time, we had two macaws. These are one of the largest of the parrots, with extremely strong beaks. These were being sold as aviary birds, potentially for breeding. Because of this, they were kept within an indoor aviary with very thick, solid mesh. The standard aviary panels would be a chew toy to such birds!

A regular customer came in whilst we had these parrots, and wandered around the shop for a bit. He then spotted the parrots and went to have a look at them. After a while, he came back to the counter and asked about them.

"They don't look very tame."
- No, they aren't. They are a breeding pair and aren't really 'pets' as such.
"I wouldn't want to put my fingers in there!"
- No, me neither. I wouldn't recommend it. They almost certainly would try and bite you.
"Those beaks look nasty!"
- Oh yes. They break open walnuts without any problem at all. They'll snap apart pretty much anything we give them.
"A bit too big for me, I think."
- Yeah, they need a fair amount of space with very strong wire.
"Looks like they'd bend most of the normal cages."
- Yes, that's why they have to be in that large aviary we have.
"I see. Okay."

And off he went to have a look at them again. Knowing what birds this customer already kept, I knew he wasn't actually interested in buying them, rather he just wanted to take a look. I did a bit of tidying up around the till and then some admin on the computer until I heard the man shout.

"S**t!!"

I looked up as the man turned back around to face me. He did not look happy. In his hand was a bunch of keys.

"He snapped my car key!"
- What? How did he get it?
"I put my key through the bars to touch him, and he snapped it in half!"

I went over to take a look and, yep, the macaw had snapped the key clean in half. Fixing it, if I even found the other half, was pretty unlikely.

For the next two hours the guy waited for The AA to visit him with a locksmith so that he could get back into his car, and for those two hours he looked pretty sheepish.

Remember Me?

We have a surprisingly large number of telephone calls that start something like this:

"Hi. I bought a canary/finch/rabbit/hamster from you two years ago, do you remember me?"

We sell several birds and animals each week. Over the course of two years, that's a lot of customers to try and recall.

Work Experience Tales 2

Whilst sorting through some stock with a work experience student, he talked about a film that was currently on at the cinema and whether I'd seen it.

- Yeah, I saw it at the weekend.
"Any good?"
- Absolutely. I'd recommend it. You should go and see it, take your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever.
"What do you mean boyfriend or girlfriend?"
- Well, whichever. Or friend. Go see it with someone.
"No, I mean, why did you say 'boyfriend'?"
- I said 'girlfriend' too.
"But you said 'boyfriend' first."
- And I said 'girlfriend' second. So what?
"Well, you said it first... implying that you think I'm gay. That's not fair to assume that."
- True. But equally, if I had said 'girlfriend' first, I would be implying that you are straight. And that's not a fair assumption either, is it?
"Umm... well..."
- Either way you could argue I'd be making an unfair assumption.
"I guess so."
- I'll rephrase: You could take your partner, or friend.
"Okay."
- Better?
"Yeah, okay, I take your point."
- Good

A brief pause

- So what's his name?
"... James..."

Don't Hold Back

It had been a pretty miserable day anyway, then the clouds suddenly decided to empty and the heavy rain began. Within a few seconds, the door opened and a woman - ever-so-slightly sodden - walked in.

"Hello there."
- Hi
"Um, it's a bit embarassing, but do you mind if I use your phone?"
- No, that's okay. What was the number you wanted to ring?
"Well, I need a taxi. Do you have the Yellow Page here?"
- Sure, I'll just ge-
"You see, I was just in the car with my husband and my seven year old daughter, and we'd been out all morning and had a lovely time, but then my husband and I began arguing and I decided I needed to cool off a bit so I asked him to pull over up the road. Well, I got out and he just drove off! He has my handbag and my phone and everything. And my daughter was crying in the background, Lord knows what she's thinking or feeling right now. But he just went! It's so irresponsible of him. And I'm supposed to be cooking a lunch for the whole family so I should be home now. His parents will be there already and must be wondering where I am. It's ridiculous. Luckily I have about £15 in my pocket so I should be able to pay for a taxi. I only live up the road, but I feel terribly ashamed walking up the road on my own in the rain... a middle-aged woman just walking by herself in the rain. So I should be able to pay for a taxi to just take me home. Goodness, I am sorry, this must be quite embarassing for you, you don't need to know all of this. If I can just take a look at the directory and make the phone call I will get out of your way."
- It's no problem at all, I understand. I'll just grab th-
"I can't believe he just left me there! On the side of the road, no money, no phone, no umbrella. And off he went! He has a terrible temper sometimes, and high blood pressure. The doctor has said he should exercise more but will he? Of course he won't. He's too stubborn to change his ways. We'd had a lovely morning, but then things got a bit heated and I just thought I'd do the right thing and calm us down a bit. But off he went. And with our daughter too. I don't know what she must think about it all. It's ridiculous. He just gets worked up about nothing and then starts to get angry and soon he's boiling over and everybody's shouting at each other. I just had to get out. And now I'm walking up the road by myself and everybody must be thinking, 'Why is that middle-aged woman walking by herself in the rain without an umbrella?'. So I walked through the fields and the woods instead to make sure that less people saw me. Hopefully none of my friends did. I'm so ashamed. But that's why my feet are so wet now, I've had to walk through the long grass to keep out of sight of the road. But goodness, you don't want to hear all this. I'm terribly sorry. I don't mean to embarass you."
- It's fine, not a problem. I should be able to find a number for a tax-
"He's never been violent, I should just say that. He just gets angry and starts to shout. He's not used to people disagreeing with him. Nobody ever disagreed with him before. But I'm the first, so he finds it difficult to take. But he just doesn't learn. He needs to relax, and find a way to do so. And he needs to exercise and eat better. But will he? No, he won't. It's awful. And now I know I have a house full of people waiting for me, and here I am walking up the road by myself because my husband has left me behind, and he obviously isn't going to tell them what happened. Of course not."
- Um, no, of course not.

In the brief pause, I escaped to get the Yellow Pages, whilst the lady continued to tell me what had happened. I returned, turned the directory to the relevant page, and handed it over to her with the telephone.

"Thank you so much. This must be so embarassing for you. You don't need to hear any of this. I shall spare you any of the details."

No Evidence

A customer takes a look at some hamsters, wanders around the shop a bit, looks at some blocks of woodchips, then comes over the counter.

"Do you sell woodchip at all?"
- Yes, they are just around the corner. I'll show you.

(ignoring the fact that I just watched her looking at them already)

"Oh great. So, several different sizes. Okay, I'll have to think about which I need."
- Okay, not a problem.
"I've not been here before. I have to say though, I've been to a few other pet shops today, but the prices on the woodchip are much cheaper here. I'm impressed."
- Well, uh, we do try...

And off she went to look at the hamsters again. I would have gratefully received the compliment on our pricing without question, if it wasn't for the fact that - having recently moved the products around the shop - there were no prices on or near the products at all.

Work Experience Tales 1

We've provided a placement for students to do work experience with us most years. We've had a mix of people and definitely a mix of personalities, and fortunately we've never had anybody that's been any real 'problem' or 'trouble'. But there's occasionally some interesting events.

One particular student was asked to feed the birds that were kept in some private avaries at the back of the shop. He had taken care of these birds before with no problem, but this time he seemed to be gone for quite a while. Often the work experience students will drag a job out a little, or be texting on their phones, so I just figured he was procrastinating.

Anyway, I didn't have long to consider the reason because the phone rang.

"Is that the pet shop in [village]?"
- Yes, it is.
"Okay, thanks, bye."

A weird phonecall, sure, but we've had weirder. Less than a minute later, it rang again.

"Hi. It's Kris." (the student)
- Uh, hi. Why are you ringing...
"I'm stuck in the aviary, I can't get out."

I walked out the back to see what had happened, imagining that somehow there had been some huge collapse of wood preventing his escape.

There hadn't.

- Were you 'stuck' for long?
"Yeah... Quite a while..."
- Why didn't you call sooner?
"Well. I got stuck and shouted for a while but nobody came. Then I tried to kick the door in and..."
- You tried to kick the door in?
"...Um... No? I mean, I just tried to open it."
- Right
"But it wouldn't. So I thought I'd call you. But I don't have the number. So I called my mum to look it up, but we couldn't remember the name of the shop. So mum called all the shops in the directory until she found the right one. Then she called me back with your number, so I called you. I'm stuck, see?"
- Why didn't you just turn the latch from the inside?
"Oh..."

Security

So, the Chip & Pin system was introduced to increase security on physical debit/credit card transactions. Excellent. I'm sure it works and has successfully reduced fraud. Hurrah. However, there are some people out there who really seem to be doing their best to put themselves at risk:

:::::::

- Okay, if you just pop your card in the slot there. And now, if you'd like to enter your PIN please.

"7253"

- Sorry?

"7253. My pin is 7253. Can you type it in for me?"

- ...

Declaring your PIN number when standing at the front of a queue is probably not classed as 'secure'.

:::::::

- Okay, if you just pop your card in the slot there. And now, if you'd like to enter your PIN please.

"Oh dammit. Sorry. Can I take the card back out?"

- Yeah sure. Is it the wrong card?

"No no. I can't remember my PIN."

- Oh okay. Do you have another card, or cash?

"No, it's okay. I've written the PIN in Tippex on the bottom of the card. I just need to check it."

- ...

Writing your PIN on the card probably isn't especially secure either.

:::::::

Then there's the hundreds of other people that keep their PINs written down on a piece of card, in their wallet or purse, next to the cards themselves.

Discount

"How much is the canary?"
- £15
"Hmm. And how much is the carry cage?"
- £12
"Right. Hmm. That's a little more than I was hoping to pay."
- Okay, no worries.
"Could you do any discount? Would you take, say, £30 for the canary and cage?"
- Oooh... I reckon I could stretch to that...

Any Hints?

A man walks into the shop, sees me, and shouts the name of the shop in my direction. I nod and inform him that, yes, that's where he is.

"I want the brown ones."
- Okay. Erm...
"Brown bits."
- Right okay. Brown... Feed?
"And multicoloured ones too."

Generally, when customers are ridiculously vague, they are after wild bird seed (since they tend to ignore the fact that anything else in the shop even exists).

- Okay. Is it seed?
"The same one I had last time."

This was the first time I had met this customer.

- Seed?
"No."
- What's it for?
"My dog."

Aaaaaaah....

- Ah right okay. Is it a full sack you were after? This is the multicoloured one we do.
"No. Just little bags."
- Oh, we don't do small bags of that one.

He then turns to the shelf next to him, picks up two bags of dog treats, and goes up to me at the till.

"These are the ones. Thank you."

Well obviously.

Unintentionally Rhetorical

"How much are the bags of hay?"
- £2.15 each. So that's £6.45 for the pack of three.
"Hmmm... How many do you get in a pack of three?"
- Uhhh... Well, three.

Opening hours

Another Sunday at work.

One of our regular customers comes in, wanders around for a little while, purchases a few items, then stands to chat for a few minutes.

This particular customer comes in quite frequently, usually once a week, and always, always either on a Saturday or Sunday. During the course of conversation, discussing how trade is and what birds he is breeding at the moment, the customer asks:

"Do you open weekends?"

 

Persistence doesn't change anything

Yellow Fife Canary

"Are any of those canaries hens?"
- No, sorry, they are all cock birds.
"All of them?"
- Yep, all of them I'm afraid.
"Have you got any hens?"
- Uh, no. All the canaries are male.
"They are all males?"
- Yes
"No hens at all?"
- No
"What about that yellow one?"
- That's male too. They are all male.
"Can I take the green one, is that a hen?"
- No. It's a cock bird. We don't have any hen canaries.
"Are these all the canaries you've got?"
- Yes
"Have you got any hens out the back?"
- No. We don't keep any birds out the back. We don't have any hens.
"Oh. I want a hen."
- We only have cock birds I'm afraid. We might have some hens coming in soon.
"Okay, I'll come back in a week or so."
- No worries
"I will pay you a little more for a hen."
- Lovely, but we don't have any right now.
"Okay, I'll see you again soon."
- Okay, thanks.
"..."
- ...
"What about the white one?"