Feline Silly

A lady comes in the shop.

"Good morning, do you sell cats or kittens?"
- No, I'm afraid not.
"Oh right. Do you know where I can get one from?"
- Well, not many pet shops actually sell cats anymore. Your best bet is to try a local cat rescue home, or look at the classifieds in the local paper.
"Hmm. I'm looking for something quite specific, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to find it."
- Oh? What are you after?
"A three-legged male."
- Oh...

Now, sure, a pretty unusual request perhaps, but we've had people in the past looking to buy an animal because one they have been looking after has died. They want to replace it before the owners get home. In this instance, it seemed possible that a three-legged cat had died, and a cunning replacement was required. A tall order, sure, but it appeared to be the best explanation.

- ...I'm not sure what to advise really. Have you lost one?
"Oh, no. I've already got a female with three legs."
- Um, okay.
"I want to get another one and see if I can breed three-legged kittens from them."

Bag Hands

Some of the feed we stock is sold loose by the kilogram. We have several customers that will ask for, "£3 of canary seed," or, "2kg of rabbit food", etc. We pour it into the scales, then out into a carrier bag which we then tie up and hand to the customer.

Today, a customer asked for some budgie seed. I weighed it out, checked it was the right amount for him, then grabbed a carrier bag to pour the feed into. The customer looked up:

"Don't worry about a bag..."

Some of our customers bring in their own bags.

"...save yourself a couple of pennies."

I paused, waiting for him to hand one over.

He didn't. He didn't have one.

It took him a few seconds to realise that, in this instance, he was going to have to let me use a carrier bag unless he wanted me to try and empty the food into his pockets.

Wrong Shop

A telephone call:

- Good afternoon...
"Hi there, I wonder if you can help me."
- I'll do my best.
"I bought an angel fish from you at the weekend, and it didn't look very well the first day, and this morning it has died."

We get this a lot. There is another pet shop a mile or two up the road that specialises in fish. People often look up their number in the yellow pages, and mistakenly think it is us.

- Sorry, you've called the wrong shop.
"Is that the pet shop in the village?"
- Yes, but we don't do fish.
"Yes you do."
- No, no we don't. You've got the wrong shop.
"I can assure you that I haven't. You do fish and reptiles."
- No, and no. We used to do reptiles. We don't now. And we've never done fish.
"Well, I was in there yesterday and you had an abundance of both!"
- You have called the wrong shop. There is another shop in the village that sells fish and reptiles
"I'm not an idiot you know. I bought a fish from you yesterday. Now it is dead."
- We don't do fish. You have the wrong shop. You need to call...
"Right. That's it. I'm coming over right now and you WILL be replacing my fish."
*hangs up*

It is amusing when I think that the customer will now go to the correct shop, and complain about the telephone conversation they just had. I imagine the fish shop's reply will be, "You called the wrong shop".

Love, Love Me Do

On my days off, one particular colleague usually informs me of any interesting events that I've missed out on.

Today, he text me the following:

"Normal day at work... Had a customer say 'Love you lots' as he picks up his bale of woodchip and leaves..."

I've never had a customer say that to me in person before. But I've had a few telephone calls where the other person has hung up only after they've said, "Okay thanks. Goodbye. Love you."

I assume this is just because they are so used to saying it to their loved one on the phone. Or it could just be that I'm terribly irresistible...

The Key to Good Advice

From time to time we have some large parrots for sale. Most of the time these are hand-reared and hand-tame so they can often be handled, or stroked, or offered food from the hand etc. Other times, they are breeding pairs, or single birds looking for a mate.

At one time, we had two macaws. These are one of the largest of the parrots, with extremely strong beaks. These were being sold as aviary birds, potentially for breeding. Because of this, they were kept within an indoor aviary with very thick, solid mesh. The standard aviary panels would be a chew toy to such birds!

A regular customer came in whilst we had these parrots, and wandered around the shop for a bit. He then spotted the parrots and went to have a look at them. After a while, he came back to the counter and asked about them.

"They don't look very tame."
- No, they aren't. They are a breeding pair and aren't really 'pets' as such.
"I wouldn't want to put my fingers in there!"
- No, me neither. I wouldn't recommend it. They almost certainly would try and bite you.
"Those beaks look nasty!"
- Oh yes. They break open walnuts without any problem at all. They'll snap apart pretty much anything we give them.
"A bit too big for me, I think."
- Yeah, they need a fair amount of space with very strong wire.
"Looks like they'd bend most of the normal cages."
- Yes, that's why they have to be in that large aviary we have.
"I see. Okay."

And off he went to have a look at them again. Knowing what birds this customer already kept, I knew he wasn't actually interested in buying them, rather he just wanted to take a look. I did a bit of tidying up around the till and then some admin on the computer until I heard the man shout.

"S**t!!"

I looked up as the man turned back around to face me. He did not look happy. In his hand was a bunch of keys.

"He snapped my car key!"
- What? How did he get it?
"I put my key through the bars to touch him, and he snapped it in half!"

I went over to take a look and, yep, the macaw had snapped the key clean in half. Fixing it, if I even found the other half, was pretty unlikely.

For the next two hours the guy waited for The AA to visit him with a locksmith so that he could get back into his car, and for those two hours he looked pretty sheepish.

Remember Me?

We have a surprisingly large number of telephone calls that start something like this:

"Hi. I bought a canary/finch/rabbit/hamster from you two years ago, do you remember me?"

We sell several birds and animals each week. Over the course of two years, that's a lot of customers to try and recall.

Work Experience Tales 2

Whilst sorting through some stock with a work experience student, he talked about a film that was currently on at the cinema and whether I'd seen it.

- Yeah, I saw it at the weekend.
"Any good?"
- Absolutely. I'd recommend it. You should go and see it, take your boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever.
"What do you mean boyfriend or girlfriend?"
- Well, whichever. Or friend. Go see it with someone.
"No, I mean, why did you say 'boyfriend'?"
- I said 'girlfriend' too.
"But you said 'boyfriend' first."
- And I said 'girlfriend' second. So what?
"Well, you said it first... implying that you think I'm gay. That's not fair to assume that."
- True. But equally, if I had said 'girlfriend' first, I would be implying that you are straight. And that's not a fair assumption either, is it?
"Umm... well..."
- Either way you could argue I'd be making an unfair assumption.
"I guess so."
- I'll rephrase: You could take your partner, or friend.
"Okay."
- Better?
"Yeah, okay, I take your point."
- Good

A brief pause

- So what's his name?
"... James..."

Don't Hold Back

It had been a pretty miserable day anyway, then the clouds suddenly decided to empty and the heavy rain began. Within a few seconds, the door opened and a woman - ever-so-slightly sodden - walked in.

"Hello there."
- Hi
"Um, it's a bit embarassing, but do you mind if I use your phone?"
- No, that's okay. What was the number you wanted to ring?
"Well, I need a taxi. Do you have the Yellow Page here?"
- Sure, I'll just ge-
"You see, I was just in the car with my husband and my seven year old daughter, and we'd been out all morning and had a lovely time, but then my husband and I began arguing and I decided I needed to cool off a bit so I asked him to pull over up the road. Well, I got out and he just drove off! He has my handbag and my phone and everything. And my daughter was crying in the background, Lord knows what she's thinking or feeling right now. But he just went! It's so irresponsible of him. And I'm supposed to be cooking a lunch for the whole family so I should be home now. His parents will be there already and must be wondering where I am. It's ridiculous. Luckily I have about £15 in my pocket so I should be able to pay for a taxi. I only live up the road, but I feel terribly ashamed walking up the road on my own in the rain... a middle-aged woman just walking by herself in the rain. So I should be able to pay for a taxi to just take me home. Goodness, I am sorry, this must be quite embarassing for you, you don't need to know all of this. If I can just take a look at the directory and make the phone call I will get out of your way."
- It's no problem at all, I understand. I'll just grab th-
"I can't believe he just left me there! On the side of the road, no money, no phone, no umbrella. And off he went! He has a terrible temper sometimes, and high blood pressure. The doctor has said he should exercise more but will he? Of course he won't. He's too stubborn to change his ways. We'd had a lovely morning, but then things got a bit heated and I just thought I'd do the right thing and calm us down a bit. But off he went. And with our daughter too. I don't know what she must think about it all. It's ridiculous. He just gets worked up about nothing and then starts to get angry and soon he's boiling over and everybody's shouting at each other. I just had to get out. And now I'm walking up the road by myself and everybody must be thinking, 'Why is that middle-aged woman walking by herself in the rain without an umbrella?'. So I walked through the fields and the woods instead to make sure that less people saw me. Hopefully none of my friends did. I'm so ashamed. But that's why my feet are so wet now, I've had to walk through the long grass to keep out of sight of the road. But goodness, you don't want to hear all this. I'm terribly sorry. I don't mean to embarass you."
- It's fine, not a problem. I should be able to find a number for a tax-
"He's never been violent, I should just say that. He just gets angry and starts to shout. He's not used to people disagreeing with him. Nobody ever disagreed with him before. But I'm the first, so he finds it difficult to take. But he just doesn't learn. He needs to relax, and find a way to do so. And he needs to exercise and eat better. But will he? No, he won't. It's awful. And now I know I have a house full of people waiting for me, and here I am walking up the road by myself because my husband has left me behind, and he obviously isn't going to tell them what happened. Of course not."
- Um, no, of course not.

In the brief pause, I escaped to get the Yellow Pages, whilst the lady continued to tell me what had happened. I returned, turned the directory to the relevant page, and handed it over to her with the telephone.

"Thank you so much. This must be so embarassing for you. You don't need to hear any of this. I shall spare you any of the details."

No Evidence

A customer takes a look at some hamsters, wanders around the shop a bit, looks at some blocks of woodchips, then comes over the counter.

"Do you sell woodchip at all?"
- Yes, they are just around the corner. I'll show you.

(ignoring the fact that I just watched her looking at them already)

"Oh great. So, several different sizes. Okay, I'll have to think about which I need."
- Okay, not a problem.
"I've not been here before. I have to say though, I've been to a few other pet shops today, but the prices on the woodchip are much cheaper here. I'm impressed."
- Well, uh, we do try...

And off she went to look at the hamsters again. I would have gratefully received the compliment on our pricing without question, if it wasn't for the fact that - having recently moved the products around the shop - there were no prices on or near the products at all.